Stereotypical and downright racist clip art, Volume 1 (Because I feel sure there will be more to come)

One of our many English standards in this great state is to teach kids how to read consumer materials, which would be a great skill to have if consumer materials were written by people who speak English. I copied some reviews of cell phones and then made up fictional "customers" who needed phones - phones that JUST SO HAPPENED to match perfectly with the reviews provided...hmmm. One such man was "James Brandt," a 37 year old "Business Executive" (I know that's an inanely broad job title - these are 7th graders people) who needs a phone with a great internet connection and clear reception (for his many international business trips.) ("Excuse me...do you have some sort of...businesswomen's special?" Important life lesson - never let a chance to quote Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion slip through your fingers.) Anyway, in the interest of diversity, James is black. I needed some type of stock photo of a black businessman. Shouldn't be hard, right? Half the clipart tags online are generic businessmen. So I Googled "black man clip art." Oh. my. jonasbrothers.

The first man to pop up was a very angry, scary looking black man who just so happened to be wearing an orange shirt.First hit, and this same clip was repeated on page one of Google THREE TIMES.

This inspired me to break down exactly what type of black man clip art digital artists think people need. My research showed the clip art designers are the most racist people on the planet.

Stereotype #1 - Angry Black Man

Here is the famous orange shirt guy. I'm not kidding - three times! Man, he is angry. This clip is probably used for wanted posters by police stations across the country when they have no leads on an actual suspect, or to scare kids in Martha's Vineyard on Halloween. Guy #2 is not only angry, but he's devious too. I'm not sure if his teeth are gold or just yellow, but he reminds me of Pete, the villain from Disney cartoons. I don't think guy #3 is necessarily inherently racist, as he could just as easily have been white. I just think it's really, really crappy clip art of an angry snaggle-toothed guy.

Stereotype #2 - Athletic Black Man

I'm definitely going to find every opportunity to use shirtless, royal blue pants wearing, tribal-tattooed, uber-buff black guy. And of course we have the black sprinters, both of whom display questionable shoe choices - loafers with tube socks? Water shoes? Also, though I'm no expert runner, I'm pretty sure neither has the greatest stride. If you're going to exploit black people for your athletic clipart needs, at least have the decency to give them suitable equipment and skills. They're making tribal guy look cool over there.

Stereotype #3 - "Funky" black guy

Future clip art designer in 1969: "Man, that Jimi Hendrix is pretty cool! One day when there's such thing as a personal computer, let's make sure that 30% of all black clipart vaguely resembles him!"

Okay, so guy #2 is more of a "mod" and I have no explanation for the lampshade guy, nor I suspect does his designer. (This is clearly some more quality work from an artist who specializes in designing pointy nosed, snaggle-toothed people.) But you have to admit that a disproportionate number of black clip art people look like Jimi Hendrix. How many real life black people look like Jimi Hendrix? I don't have the exact figures, but probably not 30%.

Non-stereotype #4 - Attentive black fathers

So this is where clipart designers are seeking redemption. They regret making themselves look racist by designing racially insensitive clip arts. They want us to forgive them and as a peace offering, they have given us an anti-stereotype - domestic black men. Rather than succeeding in winning my approval, they have instead just scared the hell out of me. I'm not sure what to think of guy #1 on the left. First of all, his child obviously has a serious untreated medical condition - he has no face and is dressed like Jesus. Who knows how that happened? I bet the clip art designers would like us to think crack. Also, I can't tell if this baby has one giant arm and one normal one, or if the man has one normal arm and one tiny one. Either way, this family is f'd. The man is either bored to tears or is on drugs (which is exactly what clipart designers were hoping we'd think.) Guy #2 doesn't even count because he's too tiny and could easily be a hotel employee. Guy #3 is obviously way into his kid and seems like a nice guy, but I can't stop staring at his purple woman sandals and his meaty guy thighs. Also he looks like he's about to eat his baby, who cowers in fear.

By the way, googling the more politically correct "African American man clipart" turned up much more passable results and I did find my James Brandt.

After this little foray, I figured that black woman clip art would be even worse. It was surprisingly innocuous and featured all the typical white woman clip art activities like gardening, yoga and wearing hats. However, I did find one that was just baffling.