The Blog of Unnecessary Capital Letters and AWESOME PILGRIM SKATER

Ok, I don't normally do this (update my blog more than...once a month) but I just HAVE to. You'll see why, after the following COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY paragraph: (skip if you must, at the peril of your reputation in future literary discussions.)

I have recently become a subscriber of an elite service called "iGoogle." Maybe you've heard of it. Anyway, we elite subscribers of this elite service add what we the elite call "GADGETS" to our home pages. "Gadgets" is an opportunity to bring just a tad more enrichment to our already ridiculously over-enriched lives. (What, with the art museum opening galas and all.) For example, among the many options I was afforded, I chose selections such as "LOCAL WEATHER" and "FACEBOOK" (because I wasn't checking it enough.) More importantly, I've added animal husbandry facets to my page such as "Turtles" and "Hamster." I feel guilty when I forget to feed them AND THEY AREN'T REAL. The one turtle is a real doucher. He eats all the food before the other turtle can get it. I named the doucher turtle Leonardo and the cool turtle Michelangelo. Guess what? Michelangelo actually ends up getting more food because I reward his chill-ness. You might think I'm making all this up just to entertain you on my blog, but it's all really happening, in my mind. It's a pretty happy place. unneccesary

Sooooo...getting to the essence of this blog. One of my gadgets is "Art of the Day." I dropped everything and blogged when I saw this, the most amazing painting I've seen...well, ever.
























Other than its inherent awesomeness, I'd like you to note a few characteristics of this painting.
1) "The Skater" has buckled skates. BUCKLED SKATES.
2) "The Skater" is pulling a skating move that would land most of us in the hospital. (Be honest with yourself. Think about your past skating experiences...there you go.)
3) "The Skater" has a funny hat. And buckled shoes. OMG, wait...
4) "The Skater" is a pilgrim! He's SORT OF A PILGRIM!!!!
5) "The Skater" realizes he is incredibly awesome at what he's doing and even though he's dead-slash-not real, he's WAY BETTER THAN YOU'LL EVER BE! Also, he sort of looks like John Lithgow, as all slightly smug awesome people do.
6) OMG, this didn't even occur to me until now, but he HAS HIS ARMS CROSSED. Would any of us, in good conscience, ICE SKATE with our arms crossed? Imagine falling with your arms crossed! *Instant douchebag moment*, captured forever on film. (I forgot to tell you, we were filming that.) Guess who doesn't look like a doucher? That's right, the Skater. Because he doesn't. fall. down. Ever.

As you read this, I am in the process of constructing a shrine in my bedroom built around the awesome skater and his mystical powers of anti-douchbaggery.

P.S. When I saved this picture on my computer, I saved it as "The Sk8ter", because I felt he deserved that level of awesomeness.
P.P.S. When I was circa-14, I, as a joke (I promise) bought something called "Boyfriend in a Box." His name was Skye (yes, with an "e") and the kit came with a card signed by "Skye" that said something along the lines of "I can't wait to see you!" The card had penguins on it and the "signature" was so clearly printed, even by 1990's standards, that it made you feel bad for anyone who bought the kit in order to actually try to pass of "Skye" as her boyfriend. What made me think of that? Oh yeah, "Skye" was a "skater" - he had a super rebellious haircut and was wearing a sweater that had a STRIPE on it. He was extremely extreme. Rachel W. can attest to the real existence of Skye and his undying love for me.
P.P.P.S. Guess who makes Skye look like a doucheroni? (That's right, "THE SKATER.")

I suck at laundry

I am going to become a monk like Friar Tuck so I can wear a burlap sack tied with a rope and when it gets dirty I'll just throw it out and get a new sack.

My tips for having more laundry than you'll ever be able to wash:

1. Be a girl who likes clothes, thereby owning a lot of them. Preferably they should be all different categories so that you need to change clothes multiple times a day (work, casual, workout, etc.) Also, keep clothes forever, even that skirt that you could now only wear as a legwarmer.

2. Don't choose an outfit the night before. This is a foolish way to save valuable time. You're much better off waiting till the morning, when your brain is half asleep and you have no spare time to hunt for missing shoes or bras that aren't neon-colored and show through your tops.

3. Try on every conceivable item in your closet before deciding on an outfit. Don't be afraid to try on summer items in the winter, or clothes that haven't fit since college. These disasters will instill you with a healthy dose of self-loathing that will get your morning started right.

4. As you nix outfit after outfit, throw everything in heaps on the floor in a trail leading from your bedroom to your bathroom and back again. It is your pants' fault that you are 2 sizes larger than them; don't think that taking your anger out on the pants is a waste of time - it isn't! Show those pants who's boss by refusing to put them back on a hanger!

5. When returning from work, discard worn clothes in a pile on the floor. You are way too tired to worry about putting them in a laundry hamper right now. Just find your sweatpants and collapse in front of the TV.

6. Return to the pile days later. With any luck, you have now forgotten which clothes are actually dirty and which clothes are just try-on rejects. Even better, your clean clothes should be sufficiently wrinkled now as to warrant washing even if they weren't originally dirty.

7. Bask in your laundry nightmare as it not only becomes a cycle, but, due to shrinking availability of clothes on hangers, actually becomes worse with time!