I'm baaaack

I got a new laptop; therefore I must resume blogging. Otherwise, how will I fill the endless hours I will now spend at hip coffee shop d'jour? (aka Starbucks.) Actually I have not been to a coffee shop with my laptop yet but once I do...look out, world. You are unprepared for a level of nonproductivity such as this.

Actually, I have been quite productive lately, if by productive you mean producing things that are not entirely necessary. I suppose artsy-craftsy is the better term. For Christmas, I got my brother Michael a collection of recipes that I will cook for him. He is a vegetarian now but may as well be a tunatarian because I swear that's all he eats. If he cooks canned tuna, rice, cheese and hot sauce and bullies me into tasting it one more time, I will flip out. If he goes to Subway one more time and brags about how he was able to trick the Subway employee into giving him a tuna sub and a veggie sub with a side of tuna for the same price, I will flip out. Hence, the gift.

I also got a Kindle for my birthday and I've got to say, it's one of the greatest things ever. I now have every book I want to read, ever, right at my fingertips. It has already come in handy on the long train rides to and from Chicago. I mostly read classic literature, and anything over 100 years old is free due to public domain, so I am in book heaven right now. I finished up "Great Expectations" and am now ready to finish "Vanity Fair." I find that I read much quicker with my Kindle because I've cut down on the losing of books/forgetting of books. It's also much easier to read different things at one time. I tend to read at least 4 or 5 different books at a time, so when I go on trips, it's annoying to drag all those along. (And then I usually don't end up reading them all anyway.) Now, I can bring the entire collection and read the whole time, or not read a single word, and I've still only toted along something that weighs about 4 ounces.

I love my new Kindle so much that I have named it (Kendall) and am knitting a cozy for it. I will post instructions for this once I am done. I am making it up as I go, so the instructions do not exist yet.

So, that's all I've been doing lately in the way of all that is unimportant.

By the way, stop reading my blog posts and telling me in person how much you liked it. Comment on it so everyone will know how much you love me. Every time I get 0 comments on a post, God kills a kitten.

Weekday Christian Education - The Trailer Trash of Religious Programs

While looking through an old Bible, I found a piece of paper where someone had written two scripture"recipes" or whatever you want to call them. Somebody else wrote them, presumably a teacher of some sort. I got this Bible as a present from my Weekday Christian Education class, which I signed up for in 3rd grade because you got to leave the classroom for an hour and go outside to a trailer. (I still don't understand how that's not a violation of church and state, but whatev.) The trailer seemed like it'd be cool but it was really beige on the inside and there were lots of boring posters with books of the Bible on them. The teachers were a young, skinny, tall and also pregnant lady, and a tiny lady who seemed EXTREMELY old. It seemed like we always wore our coats because the trailer wasn't heated (though obviously it couldn't have been cold the entire school year.) I remember that the old lady had a grey coat and the young lady had a long, maroon one that I thought was really ugly.

Anyway, I don't know if this piece of paper is from Weekday Christian Education, probably not though, because it's doubtful I would have kept a piece of paper from the 3rd grade. But I went to Sunday School at church and we would occasionally get special verses or things, so I assume it was that type of thing. One verse is Psalm 121. Pretty standard. The next is Jeremiah 11:14 -

So now I, the Lord, warn them that I am going to bring destruction on them, and they will not escape. And when they cry out to me for help, I will not listen to them.

Um, okay, that's pretty terrifying for a small child. Pretty weird. Oh wait, I think. Naturally this person simply meant to write Jeremiah 14:11 and just got mixed up. So I look that up:

The Lord said to me, "Do not ask me to help these people." (it later goes on to say, Even if they fast I will not listen to their cry for help; and even if they offer me burnt offerings, I will not be pleased with them. Instead I will kill them in war and by starvation and disease.) That's uplifting.

Would it not be hilarious and twisted for a Sunday School teacher to do that to a kid, like, "Here's your special Bible verse, Jenny! Look it up before bedtime! Then the poor kid can't sleep all that night because she's terrified God will smite her in her sleep or something.

Fortunately for 3rd grade me I rarely remembered to do what teachers asked and I did not look up the verse until now, and I can't stop laughing.

This blog post is so beast...

A few other English teachers at my school use songs to help their kids learn new info or get them jazzed about something. (The first rewritten song I heard was "I am getting punctuation down" in place of "Baby are you down, down, down, down, down...) I love this idea but I haven't had any time/energy this year to think about it much. This summer, my goal is to write lyrics for and record new versions of famous songs with English themes so I'll have more than enough songs (1 per week) for the entire year next year. I just found out that next year I'll be teaching only 7th grade (this year I've taught 7th and 8th) which makes it more simple (simpler? Just an English teacher, whatever.) It would also be amazing to have videos to go with them, especially in this, because as you can see I've already envisioned a Cullen vs. Black fight scene. Obviously, this all adds up to an awesomely cheezetastic summer. Who wants to help me…?!

Here is the first. I am also working on "Bad Grammar" (Bad Romance.) I am also hoping to shoot a video for that as it would give me an excellent excuse to wear head-to-toe sequins.

Sing along (loudly, in front of people) and let me know what you think. And let me know what 3-syllable band or artist name you think I should use...

“Read It”

(to the tune of “Beat It”)

So you hate reading, well think that if you will,

But soon you’ll see that reading is a lifelong skill.
So even when it’s boring or the words aren’t really clear
Just read it, just read it

I got an ipod and I want some new songs,

I want some - - - so I can sing along

Good thing I’ve got instructions; now this won’t take too long

I’ll read it, if you wanna know more

Just read it, read it,
Pick a book up and complete it

Showin’ how funky strong is your brain

to really get it, read the whole thing

Just read it, read it
Just read it, read it
Just read it, read it
Just read it, read it

Before you drive you better read all you can
Don’t wanna flunk the test, you need a better plan
You wanna drive a car, better yet drive a van
So read it, just read it

You have to show them that you're really prepared
You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare
They'll teach you, then they test you,
Then they'll tell you it's fair
So read it, if you wanna know more

Just read it, read it, read it, read it
Pick a book up and complete it
Showin' how funky and smart is your brain
To really get it, read the whole thang

Just read it, read it
Pick a book up and complete it
Read about vampires, choose the right team
Can’t put this book down or I’ll have to scream
Team Edward, Team Jacob (Jacob)

Team Edward (Edward), Team Jacob (Jacob)

(Edward & Jacob fight scene. It ends with Bella breaking up the fight)

Read it, read it

Pick a book up and complete it
Showin' how funky and smart is your brain
Want to know more? Well, read the whole thang

Just read it, read it

Pick a book up and complete it
Showin' how funky and smart is your brain
To really get it, read the whole thang

Just read it, read it,
Pick a book up and complete it
Showin' how funky and smart is your brain
To really get it, read the whole thang

Read it, read it, read it, read it
Pick a book up and complete it
Showin' how funky and smart is your brain
To really get it, read the whole thang

(fadeout)